Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Randomize
