You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
