Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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