I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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