i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
