oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
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No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
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I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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