He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Randomize
