I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
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