I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
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