i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Randomize
