You really coming over, don't trick.
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
