: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Randomize
