I think I just saw someone hide a body.
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
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