Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Randomize
