I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
50% drunk capacity currently
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Randomize
