my vag is so smooth its legendary
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Randomize
