There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
