My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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