Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Shame - the story of my life.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize