You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
