I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
