I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
