I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
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