last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
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