she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
is this the sara with the beer cane?
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
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