How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
