FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
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