I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
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