I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Randomize
