I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Randomize
