Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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