she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Randomize
