I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Randomize
