i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
