Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
