The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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