where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
