we're chasing vodka with high fives
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Randomize
