If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Randomize
