My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
