don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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