I feel like I'm in dance class right now
I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
