Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
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