She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
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