We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Randomize
