matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
