Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
