Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
