i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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