I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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