One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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