I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
