the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
