On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
