Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
zippers are such a cool invention
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
I think my nap took me to another dimension
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
