My hand turned me down
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
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