your thong is hanging out like whoa
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
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